Stuff has continued to be weird and hand-wavey and annoying, and it all came to a head a few weeks ago. But now things are better, and I can flirt with people again and watch porn without getting miserable, and I am going to keep things this way if if kills me, never mind anyone else :)
I was feeling a bit depressed before going out- after coffee with Spiritual Morningsider, I feel painfully gloomy. Not his fault at all, but I ended up bending his ear about Stuff, and TMI, and why I am currently so obsessed with hitting things. Poor bugger.
Alas, I don’t have my Krav gear with me tonight and I’d rather go to the gym where it doesn’t matter so much if I become convinced that everyone hates me. So I’m going to load up my MP3 player and head out fairly soon, then tomorrow I’m going to make my less than glorious return to Crosscombat.
So I stepped the wrong way and messed up my ankle, to my immense disgust. It is now the size of a tennis ball, and means that I won’t be going to the gym or Krav for the next couple of days. But hey, it answers the panicked question I could only ask my long-suffering mother a few days ago- do I have ankles, or do my legs go straight into my feet? One ankle is normal, the other is swollen to the size of a tennis ball.
In related striving to be positive, I quite like the fact that I can find something to be pleased about even now.
But I got through it without resort to the cautery pen. Cannot understand why I feel hungry and awful, but sick at the thought of eating- even the nicest food seems too much effort to prepare and eat, or even unwrap, and it’s all wrong anyway. Weird. Annoying. Unhelpful when tomorrow is for another place to hit things (still cannot find groin guard) and the day after is for Krav…
I am having a moderate crisis: I don’t have anything to study right now. I don’t have anything to really obsess me and stall the slump into depression that happens this time of year, and I’m skint. I got into a financial mess when Is died and I had to take her to the emergency vet, and I’m bad with money at the best of times, so I am in an embarrassing situation.
Basically, I feel like a huge loser, and I don’t know how to not. I woke up with the irrational but very strong feeling a couple of months ago that my friends were not my friends (a mentalism thing, I know, but it’s very hard to give yourself therapy) and it never quite went away, and I don’t really have qualifications and I can’t do anything and I never finish anything and I’m just a complete waste of space and a drain on my boyfriend’s time and energy and and and aaargh.
So the inside of my head is pretty annoying right now. I’m making half-arsed attempts to sort myself out, in the name of sustainability, and maybe they’ll work. Something has to.